One of my favorite musical theatre partnerships is Rogers
& Hammerstein. One of their most beloved
and controversial for it’s time, musicals was ‘South Pacific’. My mother and grandmother would hum or
outright sing many of the songs from that show.
One of the songs that never really interested me much when I was growing
up but that I think about constantly these days is ‘You Have to be carefully
taught’. The song so gracefully
highlights and brings to the fore front that prejudice and hatefulness is
taught to you through your parents and peers over time. Babies are not born with hate in their
hearts, it is carefully learned from those people that you love the most.
I was thirteen. My
mother, who worked in public speaking and sales, had been transferred from our
home in Austin, TX
to Ft.
Lauderdale, FL where
a faltering office in my mother’s company needed an infusion of leadership and
strong sales skills. So I was taken in
the summer between my 7th & 8th grade year and moved
5 states away to Plantation, FL; a suburb of Ft. Lauderdale.
I started my 8th grade year in Plantation Middle School
as one of the new kids in class. On that
first day as I waited for the bus to pick me up outside the apartment complex
we had moved into, I met Tiffany.
Tiffany was a pretty petite blonde girl that had recently moved with her
mother and sister from Ohio. She was new to the school as well and in the
same grade that I was. Tiffany and I
quickly struck up a friendship. She
lived in the apartment complex right next to mine, it was a quick 5 minute walk
from my front door to hers. When we got to school we both became friends with
Dorothy. Dorothy had lived in Plantation all her life,
so she knew almost everyone at the school.
Several months went by with us becoming great friends. We spent the night at each others houses,
shared music and clothing together, ate lunch together in the cafeteria
everyday, took recess together where we talked about boys and music that we all
loved.
Over the Christmas break my mother had booked a cruise that
she and I went on, and one of the stops that we made was Xel-Ha, a fresh
water/saltwater reef area where we went snorkeling. While there I saw a T-shirt that said “Just
Do Me” with the Nike logo underneath it.
I loved the T-shirt and my mom reluctantly bought it for me.
When I returned to school, the very first day back, I wore
my T-shirt with a pair of baggy overalls that was the style during that time,
even for girls. At lunch time one of the
boys on the JV football squad, who I was semi-familiar with because he also
lived in my apartment complex, came up to me.
He said “Just do me? I’ll do you
baby” and proceeded to rub against me and hugged me suggestively until I was
able to break away.
In some ways I liked the attention that he had given me
because of my shirt. I was on the
chubbier side, even as a young girl, and had been teased about it all the time
in my previous schools. But now I was
friends with the cool girls in school, the pretty blondes and brunettes that
had teased me in my other schools, were now friends with me in my new
school. With them came the cute guys,
and I was happy to have their attention, even the inappropriate kind.
Later that day after school I was walking with Tiffany back
to her apartment, and I told her what the boy had said and done, and
demonstrated with her how he had touched me. It was said in such a tone to
suggest that I was miffed and appalled that he would do something like that to
me, while secretly I enjoyed telling my friend that yes, I too, had received
inappropriate affection from a boy. So I may have been overly enthusiastic
about what had happened when I demonstrated to Tiffany what he had done.
The next morning, I was a little late waking up, so I quickly
got dressed and ran to meet the bus which was waiting for me. When I got on the
bus no one would sit next to me, no one would talk to me. Tiffany was sitting with other friends on her
own seat and all the kids who I had been sitting with before and used to save
me a seat were instead all clustered where I would have sat and it forced me to
sit 4-5 rows in front of Tiffany. I was
completely perplexed. I didn’t know if I
had done or said something wrong and they were all mad at me, or if it was just
in my mind and because I had been late they simply hadn’t saved a seat for me.
When we got to school it just got worse. People were whispering behind my back. Dorothy and Tiffany wouldn’t talk to me. Every time I tried to approach them they
would walk the other way away from me.
At lunch no one would sit with me, and I wound up sitting at the table
with the transfers from Haiti
that didn’t really speak English.
By the time lunch ended I knew something was terribly wrong
and I was really upset because I didn’t know what I could have done to get this
kind of treatment. I retreated into
myself for the rest of the day, not saying much to anyone. I sat by myself on the bus ride home and said
nothing to the other kids as I walked home to my apartment.
The next day it was the same kind of treatment. When I got on the bus that morning Tiffany
gave me a hateful look that I tried to hide my face from the fact I had seen
it. I kept thinking in my mind on the way to school and all through my morning,
‘What did I do?’ I couldn’t concentrate
on learning anything because I kept replaying everything I had done over and
over in my head. At recess, a few of the peripheral friends who knew both
Tiffany and Dorothy came over to talk to me.
I have since forgotten their names but this was the conversation.
Girl 1: “Courtney that was a really bad thing you did to
Tiffany the other day.”
Me: “I don’t know what you’re talking about, what did I do
to Tiffany? Will someone please talk to me about this?”
Girl 2: “What do you mean you don’t know? Haven’t you noticed that no one wants to be
around you?”
Me: “Yes, I have and I don’t know what I did and no one will
tell me.”
Girl 1: “Look just know that we don’t like Gay people here
so you should really stay away from everyone.”
Me: “Gay?! What are
you talking about?”
Girl 2: “The other day when you and Tiffany were walking you
grabbed her boob. That is totally not
cool.”
Me: “I didn’t grab her boob!
I was telling her what (boy) had done to me that day when I was wearing
my ‘Just Do Me’ T-shirt. I wasn’t coming
on to her! I’m not Gay!”
Girl 1: “Well Tiffany sure took it that you were and she
told Dorothy about it, and now it’s all around school.”
Me: “I’m going to talk to Tiffany about this, I’m not Gay.”
Like the little lemmings they were they followed me as I
went to confront Tiffany who was standing with Dorothy and some other girls not
far from us.
Me: “Tiffany! You’re
telling people I’m gay? Why are you
lying?”
Tiffany: “Whatever Courtney, you totally grabbed my
boob. You were hitting on me.”
Me: “I was showing you what (boy) had done to me. If I accidentally touched your boob then I’m
sorry, I didn’t mean to, but I wasn’t hitting on you.”
Dorothy: “She told me what you did Courtney and it was just
disgusting. Everyone knows what you
really are now.”
Me: “Shut up Dorothy you weren’t even there.”
Tiffany: “Well consider our friendship ended, I don’t want
to speak to you ever again.”
And she meant it….Tiffany and I never spoke again.
The news had in fact been spread all over the school that I
was gay. That I had made a sexual
advance on Tiffany; and the story kept getting bigger all the time.
Everyone I had been friends with treated me like I was the
viral plague walking the halls of the school.
My only solace were the kids from Haiti, but their limited English
was both a blessing and a curse. They
couldn’t speak English well enough to know what was being said about me but I
also couldn’t talk to them very much either. Even so, Dorothy also tried to
take those friends away from me by telling everyone that I also hated black
people basing that on an off hand comment I had made where I said I wasn’t used
to seeing so many black kids in the school because my previous school only had
3 kids who were African American.
I became completely alone.
I never went out and played. The
only times I left our little apartment was to go to school or to go out
somewhere with my Mom. During this time
my Mom became my best friend. I told her
everything about what was happening at school but there was no relief from the
whispers and the stares. Neither my mom,
nor I remember if she talked to the school about what was happening with me,
but if she did nothing changed from it. The only relief that she could give me
from the torment was making sure that I had a warm and loving place to come
home to everyday.
One day, mid-way into the spring semester, an announcement
was made that the school would be putting on a musical review of “Newsies” and
they needed people to audition. Excited
about the prospect of doing any kind of theatre again I jumped at the
chance. I was cast right away in the
role that Anne Margaret played in the movie since I had a powerful voice and
could sing with an accent. As we
rehearsed the Director started giving me more to do in the show to help shore
up weak voices or lead dancing segments.
The other kids in the show were on average younger than me, but all the
kids in my grade eventually came at least to respect my talent enough to not
continue talking about me being gay while in rehearsal.
The show helped ease the tension I was feeling at school
some, and gave me some much needed joy while I was there. While I was singing I could let out all the
emotions I was feeling and I could go into a character and not have to worry
about the little 8th grader problems. Our performances of the show
were going to be staged at the high school just down the road. So when Tech week came around we all went
over to the high school to rehearse on the big stage. My mom came to our first rehearsal there and
was in the tech booth helping out. When I stepped on stage and started singing
one of the high school kids who was handling the sound spoke up and told my mom,
“Oh my God! She has a great voice! I hope she’s coming to school here.” It made my mom very proud to hear that about
her little girl but when she told me what they had said all I could think of
was that I did NOT want to go to that high school. I didn’t want the Gay label following me into
high school too.
Through our rehearsals at the high school the theatre
director there came to see about the 8th grader that her kids kept
talking about. She was the one that
turned my mom onto the Theatre and Performing
Arts Magnet
school which was close by but that I would need
to audition for.
I saw a light emerge in my dim little world that maybe, if I
was a good enough singer and actress I could get into the Dillard Magnet
program and get away from all of this.
So I carefully prepared my audition, set up an appointment, and
performed for the head of the musical theatre program.
When I heard that I was accepted to the Dillard musical theatre
program; when I realized once the school year was over I would never again have
see Tiffany or Dorothy, gravity was the only thing keeping me on the
planet. I was so elated and happy that I
could close the book on this horrible time in my life. My mom took me out for dinner to celebrate,
in her own way knowing that I would be a much happier kid from here on out. I
finished the run of “Newsies” which some of the core girls actually came to see
me in and who actually stood and applauded for me as I took my curtain
call. I went through the remainder of
the year not even caring about what people might be saying about me; and when
the last bell rang on the last day of school I sprinted as far and as quickly
as I could.
…………..
To hate all the people your relatives hate, you've got to be carefully taught!”
Somewhere in their short lives all the kids in the school
but especially Tiffany and Dorothy had been carefully taught that there was
something wrong with being gay. They had
been taught to fear it, to be disgusted by it, and that tormenting someone for
it was not only okay but acceptable, even encouraged. No child, no teacher, no authority figure at
the school or the school board came to my rescue. Why would they when you’d be hard pressed to
find anyone willing to help children today who are going through something like
this.
Bullying has become a hot topic, but you can’t start with
the kids and expect anything to change, they are simply being carefully taught
by the adults in their lives. If we
really want to see change then we have to start with the adults, and not just
parents but everyone. Gay bashing,
homophobia, hatred of any kind cannot be tolerated on any level by any person,
because it gets into the children.
But yes, for those children dealing with bullying whether
they are gay or not, it DOES get better.
No matter what kind of hell you go through, eventually you will come out
of it, and it will be pivotal in shaping your character and what you believe
in. When you’re standing, as an adult, on the other side of it you’ll be
surprised at what you see that came out of your experience. For me, if this hadn’t happened, if I hadn’t
been driven to audition for the theatre magnet school when my mother and I
moved back to Texas
I may not have been able to get into the high school I graduated from. At Arts Magnet in Dallas, I met some of the most influential
people of my life. I was exposed to
culture and knowledge that took me far beyond my classrooms in Texas. I made some of the greatest and dearest
friends of my life.
The experience I had taught me so many lessons. The most positive lessons it taught me were a
deep and unconditional love for my mother, knowledge and belief that I had
talents like singing that I could draw on, and a deep love and empathy for all
the people in the world who were actually gay and what they went through and
are still going through now. But most
importantly, I never lost my belief that people were good. And even though I was hesitant and little shy
about making friends afterward, I still got out there, I still made friends, I
still moved on with my life. I did not let that experience define who I was or
who I was going to be.
This experience also made me into the LGBT Ally and Advocate
that I am today, and for that I am grateful.
It taught me that no matter who the person chooses to love that I need
to love them for who they are and treat them with respect. It taught me to fight
against bullying. It taught me to shun
away from gossip, and it taught me to love things and people that were
different from me. It taught me to stand
up for what is right and good in this world, and fight with everything that I
have in me against prejudice, homophobia, and bigotry. It taught me to care for others going through
similar or worse experiences. Most
importantly it taught me what I carefully teach to my children. My two sweet boys are carefully taught that
everyone in this world should be loved, everyone should be respected, and
everyone is a special jewel to be cherished.
