My Brush with Being Gay

One of my favorite musical theatre partnerships is Rogers & Hammerstein.  One of their most beloved and controversial for it’s time, musicals was ‘South Pacific’.  My mother and grandmother would hum or outright sing many of the songs from that show.  One of the songs that never really interested me much when I was growing up but that I think about constantly these days is ‘You Have to be carefully taught’.  The song so gracefully highlights and brings to the fore front that prejudice and hatefulness is taught to you through your parents and peers over time.  Babies are not born with hate in their hearts, it is carefully learned from those people that you love the most.

I was thirteen.  My mother, who worked in public speaking and sales, had been transferred from our home in Austin, TX to Ft. Lauderdale, FL where a faltering office in my mother’s company needed an infusion of leadership and strong sales skills.  So I was taken in the summer between my 7^th & 8^th grade year and moved 5 states away to Plantation, FL; a suburb of Ft. Lauderdale. 

I started my 8^th grade year in Plantation Middle School as one of the new kids in class.  On that first day as I waited for the bus to pick me up outside the apartment complex we had moved into, I met Tiffany.  Tiffany was a pretty petite blonde girl that had recently moved with her mother and sister from Ohio.  She was new to the school as well and in the same grade that I was.  Tiffany and I quickly struck up a friendship.  She lived in the apartment complex right next to mine, it was a quick 5 minute walk from my front door to hers. When we got to school we both became friends with Dorothy.  Dorothy had lived in Plantation all her life, so she knew almost everyone at the school.  Several months went by with us becoming great friends.  We spent the night at each others houses, shared music and clothing together, ate lunch together in the cafeteria everyday, took recess together where we talked about boys and music that we all loved. 

Over the Christmas break my mother had booked a cruise that she and I went on, and one of the stops that we made was Xel-Ha, a fresh water/saltwater reef area where we went snorkeling.  While there I saw a T-shirt that said “Just Do Me” with the Nike logo underneath it.  I loved the T-shirt and my mom reluctantly bought it for me.

When I returned to school, the very first day back, I wore my T-shirt with a pair of baggy overalls that was the style during that time, even for girls.  At lunch time one of the boys on the JV football squad, who I was semi-familiar with because he also lived in my apartment complex, came up to me.  He said “Just do me?  I’ll do you baby” and proceeded to rub against me and hugged me suggestively until I was able to break away.

In some ways I liked the attention that he had given me because of my shirt.  I was on the chubbier side, even as a young girl, and had been teased about it all the time in my previous schools.  But now I was friends with the cool girls in school, the pretty blondes and brunettes that had teased me in my other schools, were now friends with me in my new school.  With them came the cute guys, and I was happy to have their attention, even the inappropriate kind.

Later that day after school I was walking with Tiffany back to her apartment, and I told her what the boy had said and done, and demonstrated with her how he had touched me. It was said in such a tone to suggest that I was miffed and appalled that he would do something like that to me, while secretly I enjoyed telling my friend that yes, I too, had received inappropriate affection from a boy. So I may have been overly enthusiastic about what had happened when I demonstrated to Tiffany what he had done.

The next morning, I was a little late waking up, so I quickly got dressed and ran to meet the bus which was waiting for me. When I got on the bus no one would sit next to me, no one would talk to me.  Tiffany was sitting with other friends on her own seat and all the kids who I had been sitting with before and used to save me a seat were instead all clustered where I would have sat and it forced me to sit 4-5 rows in front of Tiffany.   I was completely perplexed.  I didn’t know if I had done or said something wrong and they were all mad at me, or if it was just in my mind and because I had been late they simply hadn’t saved a seat for me. 

When we got to school it just got worse.  People were whispering behind my back.  Dorothy and Tiffany wouldn’t talk to me.  Every time I tried to approach them they would walk the other way away from me.  At lunch no one would sit with me, and I wound up sitting at the table with the transfers from Haiti that didn’t really speak English. 

By the time lunch ended I knew something was terribly wrong and I was really upset because I didn’t know what I could have done to get this kind of treatment.  I retreated into myself for the rest of the day, not saying much to anyone.  I sat by myself on the bus ride home and said nothing to the other kids as I walked home to my apartment. 

The next day it was the same kind of treatment.  When I got on the bus that morning Tiffany gave me a hateful look that I tried to hide my face from the fact I had seen it. I kept thinking in my mind on the way to school and all through my morning, ‘What did I do?’  I couldn’t concentrate on learning anything because I kept replaying everything I had done over and over in my head. At recess, a few of the peripheral friends who knew both Tiffany and Dorothy came over to talk to me.  I have since forgotten their names but this was the conversation.

Girl 1: “Courtney that was a really bad thing you did to Tiffany the other day.”

Me: “I don’t know what you’re talking about, what did I do to Tiffany? Will someone please talk to me about this?”

Girl 2: “What do you mean you don’t know?  Haven’t you noticed that no one wants to be around you?”

Me: “Yes, I have and I don’t know what I did and no one will tell me.”

Girl 1: “Look just know that we don’t like Gay people here so you should really stay away from everyone.”

Me: “Gay?!  What are you talking about?”

Girl 2: “The other day when you and Tiffany were walking you grabbed her boob.  That is totally not cool.”

Me: “I didn’t grab her boob!  I was telling her what (boy) had done to me that day when I was wearing my ‘Just Do Me’ T-shirt.  I wasn’t coming on to her!  I’m not Gay!”

Girl 1: “Well Tiffany sure took it that you were and she told Dorothy about it, and now it’s all around school.”

Me: “I’m going to talk to Tiffany about this, I’m not Gay.”

Like the little lemmings they were they followed me as I went to confront Tiffany who was standing with Dorothy and some other girls not far from us. 

Me: “Tiffany!  You’re telling people I’m gay?  Why are you lying?”

Tiffany: “Whatever Courtney, you totally grabbed my boob.  You were hitting on me.”

Me: “I was showing you what (boy) had done to me.  If I accidentally touched your boob then I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, but I wasn’t hitting on you.”

Dorothy: “She told me what you did Courtney and it was just disgusting.  Everyone knows what you really are now.”

Me: “Shut up Dorothy you weren’t even there.”

Tiffany: “Well consider our friendship ended, I don’t want to speak to you ever again.”

And she meant it….Tiffany and I never spoke again. 

The news had in fact been spread all over the school that I was gay.  That I had made a sexual advance on Tiffany; and the story kept getting bigger all the time. 

Everyone I had been friends with treated me like I was the viral plague walking the halls of the school.  My only solace were the kids from Haiti, but their limited English was both a blessing and a curse.  They couldn’t speak English well enough to know what was being said about me but I also couldn’t talk to them very much either. Even so, Dorothy also tried to take those friends away from me by telling everyone that I also hated black people basing that on an off hand comment I had made where I said I wasn’t used to seeing so many black kids in the school because my previous school only had 3 kids who were African American.

I became completely alone.  I never went out and played.  The only times I left our little apartment was to go to school or to go out somewhere with my Mom.  During this time my Mom became my best friend.  I told her everything about what was happening at school but there was no relief from the whispers and the stares.  Neither my mom, nor I remember if she talked to the school about what was happening with me, but if she did nothing changed from it. The only relief that she could give me from the torment was making sure that I had a warm and loving place to come home to everyday. 

One day, mid-way into the spring semester, an announcement was made that the school would be putting on a musical review of “Newsies” and they needed people to audition.  Excited about the prospect of doing any kind of theatre again I jumped at the chance.  I was cast right away in the role that Anne Margaret played in the movie since I had a powerful voice and could sing with an accent.  As we rehearsed the Director started giving me more to do in the show to help shore up weak voices or lead dancing segments.  The other kids in the show were on average younger than me, but all the kids in my grade eventually came at least to respect my talent enough to not continue talking about me being gay while in rehearsal. 

The show helped ease the tension I was feeling at school some, and gave me some much needed joy while I was there.  While I was singing I could let out all the emotions I was feeling and I could go into a character and not have to worry about the little 8^th grader problems. Our performances of the show were going to be staged at the high school just down the road.  So when Tech week came around we all went over to the high school to rehearse on the big stage.  My mom came to our first rehearsal there and was in the tech booth helping out. When I stepped on stage and started singing one of the high school kids who was handling the sound spoke up and told my mom, “Oh my God!  She has a great voice!  I hope she’s coming to school here.”  It made my mom very proud to hear that about her little girl but when she told me what they had said all I could think of was that I did NOT want to go to that high school.  I didn’t want the Gay label following me into high school too.

Through our rehearsals at the high school the theatre director there came to see about the 8^th grader that her kids kept talking about.  She was the one that turned my mom onto the Theatre and Performing Arts Magnet school which was close by but that I would need to audition for.

I saw a light emerge in my dim little world that maybe, if I was a good enough singer and actress I could get into the Dillard Magnet program and get away from all of this.  So I carefully prepared my audition, set up an appointment, and performed for the head of the musical theatre program.

When I heard that I was accepted to the Dillard musical theatre program; when I realized once the school year was over I would never again have see Tiffany or Dorothy, gravity was the only thing keeping me on the planet.  I was so elated and happy that I could close the book on this horrible time in my life.  My mom took me out for dinner to celebrate, in her own way knowing that I would be a much happier kid from here on out. I finished the run of “Newsies” which some of the core girls actually came to see me in and who actually stood and applauded for me as I took my curtain call.  I went through the remainder of the year not even caring about what people might be saying about me; and when the last bell rang on the last day of school I sprinted as far and as quickly as I could. 

…………..

“You've got to be taught before it's too late, before you are six or seven or eight,
To hate all the people your relatives hate, you've got to be carefully taught!”

Somewhere in their short lives all the kids in the school but especially Tiffany and Dorothy had been carefully taught that there was something wrong with being gay.  They had been taught to fear it, to be disgusted by it, and that tormenting someone for it was not only okay but acceptable, even encouraged.  No child, no teacher, no authority figure at the school or the school board came to my rescue.  Why would they when you’d be hard pressed to find anyone willing to help children today who are going through something like this.

Bullying has become a hot topic, but you can’t start with the kids and expect anything to change, they are simply being carefully taught by the adults in their lives.  If we really want to see change then we have to start with the adults, and not just parents but everyone.  Gay bashing, homophobia, hatred of any kind cannot be tolerated on any level by any person, because it gets into the children.

But yes, for those children dealing with bullying whether they are gay or not, it DOES get better.  No matter what kind of hell you go through, eventually you will come out of it, and it will be pivotal in shaping your character and what you believe in. When you’re standing, as an adult, on the other side of it you’ll be surprised at what you see that came out of your experience.  For me, if this hadn’t happened, if I hadn’t been driven to audition for the theatre magnet school when my mother and I moved back to Texas I may not have been able to get into the high school I graduated from.  At Arts Magnet in Dallas, I met some of the most influential people of my life.  I was exposed to culture and knowledge that took me far beyond my classrooms in Texas.  I made some of the greatest and dearest friends of my life.

The experience I had taught me so many lessons.  The most positive lessons it taught me were a deep and unconditional love for my mother, knowledge and belief that I had talents like singing that I could draw on, and a deep love and empathy for all the people in the world who were actually gay and what they went through and are still going through now.  But most importantly, I never lost my belief that people were good.  And even though I was hesitant and little shy about making friends afterward, I still got out there, I still made friends, I still moved on with my life. I did not let that experience define who I was or who I was going to be.

This experience also made me into the LGBT Ally and Advocate that I am today, and for that I am grateful.  It taught me that no matter who the person chooses to love that I need to love them for who they are and treat them with respect. It taught me to fight against bullying.  It taught me to shun away from gossip, and it taught me to love things and people that were different from me.  It taught me to stand up for what is right and good in this world, and fight with everything that I have in me against prejudice, homophobia, and bigotry.  It taught me to care for others going through similar or worse experiences.  Most importantly it taught me what I carefully teach to my children.  My two sweet boys are carefully taught that everyone in this world should be loved, everyone should be respected, and everyone is a special jewel to be cherished.

Gun Violence

I'm increasingly saddened by the on going gun violence around the world.  Especially here in the US.  I may rock the boat a bit here but we should really get rid of the 2nd amendment.  Our "Right to bear Arms" seems to have become our right to kill each other, and it's getting out of control. I do not own a gun, nor do I want to.  I live my life completely devoid of firearms and it really doesn't hinder or hurt me in any way. I don't hunt, I don't delude myself that a gun is protection, and I don't associate with people who feel a gun is a necessary part of life. 

Why?  Why do people feel that guns are necessary?  I think people who want to hold on to their guns for hunting should stop hunting.  Or develop a greater skill then pulling a trigger and holding on to the gun.  Get a cross bow, learn archery if your going to hunt.  It may make it more fun for you.  But in my opinion stop hunting.  Start believing in your bible and know that all God's creatures are special to him even the deer and antelope.  If God had truly loved man more than an animal then the Ark would have been filled with humans, not animals and one family. Animals are a necessary part of the ecosystem and what makes this world beautiful to behold.  Revel in the beauty of life, do not take joy in the power of death.

A gun as protection?  Where, on safari?  When I was growing up my mother did crime prevention seminars and I have always taken what she taught to heart.  If you have a gun in your home in case of intruders, first you must always be prepared to fire that weapon at any time.  Keeping the ammunition and the gun in separate places is an idiots way to get killed. In a robbery do you really think the criminal is going to wait and give you time to go searching through your drawers for your bullets? Second, you have to be prepared to shoot to kill.  In the heat of the moment do you really think that you could kill someone?  Would you then be prosecuted for murder? Third, you have to be so well trained in handling the gun that you can hang on to the gun and not have it turned on you.  Fourthly, you must do all this so that your children and those you care about do not have access to the gun.  You don't want your kids hurting themselves or others in the process.  Finding a way to keep the gun handy but still keep it away from my kids is enough of a dilema, that I don't even deal with it. 

For my family protection I have a canister of the mixture my mom used to sell.  CS military tear gas combined with pepper spray and an ultraviolet dye.  Even if my two year old was to get a hold of this and sprays himself, he would scream and cry but an hour later he'd still be alive.  I have these canisters around my house, so I can easily grab it if someone attempts to break in.  It will stop them in their tracks, I've seen it in countless demonstrations. That is protection that makes me feel safe, because I can use it.

Lastly, if we start breaking the cycle of Fear and meet Fear with Love then society would stop feeling like they need guns as a part of life.  I know there are communities, gangs, where that type of view is prevalent.  But in these communities you'd be hard pressed to find a family that has not been touched by violence in some way.  We cannot continue to meet violence with violence and expect it to stop.  Only when you meet violence with love and forgiveness will any of this senseless killing stop.  We are all a part of this world and though we have different experiences from each other we must come to realize that at heart we are all the same.

Should we have better mental health care in this world?  Of course we should! No one is arguing against that happening.  But we need to see that even if we had better mental health care the guns would still be there and someone will always reach for that if it's the easiest thing to do.  That's why we need to own up to our fellow man and get rid of the guns. Period.

Breaking the Cycle of Fear

“The reality is that most of us communicate the same way that we grew up. That communication style becomes our normal way of dealing with issues, our blueprint for communication. It’s what we know and pass on to our own children. We either become our childhood or we make a conscious choice to change it.” ― Kristen Crockett, The Gift of Past Relationships  

Soundtrack for this segment: Jason Mraz – “Life is Wonderful” 

The human experience is cyclical. Some cycles are very good, like the seasons, or when you have a wonderful family. A Family that teaches the children to be wonderful and those teachings continue down through the ages. But what breaks cycles? Experience breaks cycles. You may be thinking like I am that a wonderful family being a wonderful family down through the ages is preposterously wishful thinking. And it’s true that such a thing is hard to find for generations long stints. Most families have someone in them who didn’t have the greatest integrity or was just downright nasty person. But look at the experience surrounding those people and you’ll see how reacting to an experience out of your emotions can change you, alter your trajectory. Some experiences can heal, others destroy.

We react out of emotion. Emotions are what make us human, everyone has them, everyone has to deal with them on a moment by moment basis. Now, simplify all the emotions that we experience and know that Love and Fear are the foundations of all that we feel. All negative feelings come out of Fear, but all positive feelings come from Love. To truly break any cycle you have to consciously choose to not act from Fear, but to react with Love.

I see so much Fear in the world, because I see Anger, I see Hate, I see Greed, I see Stubbornness all of these come from Fear. But when Fear is met by Love, Love will always win out. I think of September 11, 2001, when the planes hit the towers. The hijackers of those planes lived in Fear, and Fear is what caused that experience to happen. Because those hijackers lived in so much Fear they felt it was their duty, calling, whatever you want to call it, that they force Fear back on those people they felt were responsible for making them live in Fear. So they struck a symbol and millions were hurled and crumbled into living that Fear.

So let’s talk about Fear for a minute. I’m not going to give you the definition of fear because we’re not talking about that. You’ve probably felt the Fear most of your days on this planet. But let’s instead clarify how all your different negative emotions are Fear. Let’s take 9/11 again, of course there was pure fear being felt by the victims of those attacks, but how does what the hijackers did come from Fear? Take all the suppositions or determinations about why they did it: To punish America for the government support of dictators, wars on their people, our military involvement in the region, taking their land; torturing, kidnapping or vanishing their citizens, I could go on and on. All of that hatred, all of that Anger, comes from Fear.

American Government support of dictators: Fear that they have no control over their own lives. American wars perpetrated against their people: Fear that they will lose their lives. American Military involvement in the region: Fear that their family will not be safe or lose their lives. Taking their land: Fear that they will have no place to go, lose everything they have built for themselves. Torturing, kidnapping or vanishing their citizens: Fear of losing a loved one.

That Fear leads to Anger at what is happening, Frustration at the circumstance gets added in, and the Anger and Frustration if not met with Love at some point leads to Hate. Then when you have this Hate only fueled by more people feeling this Fear cacophony it leads to what we saw that bright September morning. For us to truly change the world, break the cycle, we have to confront that Fear with Love, as individuals and as a whole. As with anything the earlier you confront the Fear with the Love the more chance you have of stopping it in its tracks. The longer you let the Fear grow the greater challenge Love will have to fight it off. If you let the Fear grow to where it got to on 9/11 then you will only see the Love in the aftermath, cleaning and healing those touched by the explosion of Fear. But Love will always come meet you, and Love is always there for you to call on. Love is always the right choice to be made and to make. If my choice is to choose Love or to stay still and let that Fear grow, to not rock the boat; Baby grab your life vest if you can’t swim because I want to choose to dump everyone in the waters of Love.

But let’s be real here, to not feel Fear would be unnatural. To say, “I’m never going to Fear again” would not only be deluding you’re self but would be an exercise in futility. We are basically wired to feel Fear. The main key to breaking the cycle is to relentlessly and consistently meet the Fear with Love. In the small ways and the life changing ways.

I listen to NPR every morning, and every afternoon. I like the politics, and I have a need to hear about my fellow man. A question that I often hear is “When do we have a responsibility to be the police or the humanitarian of the world?” It’s a typical American Journalist question that I would love to answer now. We always have a responsibility to care for our fellow man.

I don’t care who you are, what you believe, what color of skin you have; I have a responsibility to Love you. I have a responsibility to care for you and what you are going through. I have a responsibility to help you in times of need. I have this responsibility for EVERY PERSON ON THIS PLANET. And you have that same responsibility as well.

Until we all realize that, that we are not separate, we are not as different as we would like to believe; Fear will continue to permeate our societies. But once we do realize this. That we are all feathers in the same bird, we are all crystals on sand on the same beach we can and will join together in Love and defeat the fear and tragedy in our lives together.

Getting Started

I'm hoping that with these first few words that I will set in motion of chain of events that could possibly change the world someday.  It's a lofty goal, I know; but I feel called to help anyone that I can.  I'm working on a book so I can start getting the word out that I have a message I want to share, to help some people.  This will be the start of my blog, where I will talk about current events. But first you need a little about me.  My name is Courtney, and I'm a Brick House Mama. 

There are a lot of disciplines and activities that I love, but the one thing that I'm really passionate about is my family. And, I have a concern about how to raise my family in today's world.  I see pain and destruction in the world and wonder how I can help. I'm interested in politics and I'm a staunch democrat, I proudly own up to being a socialist. Go a head and call me a liberal, socialist, loony lefty, what ever you want; I don't care.  I like our president, I don't always agree with his policies, but I can see when Congress is being a douche and when Obama just flubbed it. 

I was a normal person before I had children, but with each child I felt a surge of love for my children that I couldn't contain it to just my children.  Soon the love filled me up so much that anything I would hear about someone moving through would send me in to tears.  Especially when children were involved.  These days anywhere in the world where there is pain, my heart is there with them.  As it is always with my children. 

So what are the challenges I face as a parent and wife in this socio political climate?  How many I will name in the blogs to come, I don't know.  But you and I will become friends.  My computer will get to know me well.  We will work on these issues together, working from Love not Fear. We will make a home together that is strong. 

In the 3 Little Pigs story, the brothers build 3 houses.  One of straw, one of wood, and one of brick; the brick house saved the pig when the big bad wolf tried to blow them down.  I'm my story the pigs are women, and like the 3rd little pig I have built a Brick House,  I welcome my world family to join me in the Brick House so they can be protected from the Big Bad Wolf.  The Brick House is stable, the Brick House is warm, and you shall find refuge in the Brick House.  That's why I call myself a Brick House Mama. 

When I feel down on myself, start doubting myself, start losing myself; I start the personal soundtrack I have in my mind.  The first song on the playlist is Brick House.  I hear the drums, then the base, a whistle, then the horns come in, "Ow, oh she's a Brick...House.  She's mighty mighty just letting it all hang out." How can you not feel better when you hear that?!  That song helps me to go on becuae I know that I can be a Brick House,  I can be mighty, and stable. That's why I call myself a Brick House Mama. 

Coming Soon: My Story
                        The Story of the Three Little Pigs